The Forbidden Medley: Spoofstyle!
by absinthefire
Summary: When filming a spoof in the Shadow House goes horribly wrong, what can you do? Drink troblin blood, of course! MANY characters from several different series like Buffy, TFG, TVD and also their authors. Jack Black and Kyle Gass guest appearances.
1. Strange New World

The Forbidden Medley – Spoof Style

By AnitaBlake1414 (a.k.a forbiddentarotXXI)

Author's Note: Ok, so I'm starting a spoof. Why? Because there are too many things in L J Smith series that NEED to be spoofed! This is going to be one messed up world, so all those who dare to enter, BEWARE! I started this spoof a while ago and now I have edited it to prepare the world for sicker chapters to follow. That's if you want them. Please give feedback to say what you like or, in those few rare cases, don't like about my spoof. Go on. You know you want to.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters you recognize, it would take too long to go through them all. (Lazy? ME?) I own ANITA, JULIANA and all TROBLINS and TROBBITS.

Anyway, this is going to include characters from a wide variety of places, so if you don't recognize some I've included a cast list with the book/film/show/whatever the characters are from to help. There will be a lot of L.J. Smith characters, with odd sprinklings of other, more bizarre characters.

The spoof has a weird plot and it gives you all an insight to my warped and twisted sense of humour. I know I'm supposed to be writing the sequels to my other story, but that can wait, I need to write this! So enough rambling from me. (Actually the whole thing is rambling by me) shut it Anita So start reading!

* * *

**CAST LIST!**

THE FORBIDDEN GAMERS from The Forbidden Game (surprise, surprise!) and The Forbidden Dance (my fanfic) 

Jenny Thornton - herself

Julian (God) - himself

Tom Locke – Freddie Prinze Jr.

Deirdre Eliade (Dee) – Mel B (Bo Selecta)

Audrey – Patsy Kensit (Bo Selecta)

Michael – Neville Chamberlain (Harry Potter)

Summer – Reese Witherspoon (Legally Blonde)

Zach – The Weird Guy (American Beauty/Not Another Teen Movie)

The Troblins (TFD) (a cross between trolls and goblins)

The Trobbits (TFD) (a cross between a troblin and a hobbit)

Juliana - Famke Janssen (House On Haunted Hill)

THE SLAYERS, THE WITCHES AND THE SEXY VAMPIRES (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Secret Circle, The Anita Blake series and The Vampire Diaries) 

Buffy (SLAYER) BTVS

Faith (SLAYER) BTVS

Anita Blake Vampire Executioner (guest starring as a SLAYER) ABS

Angel (SEXY VAMPIRE) BTVS

Damon (SEXY VAMPIRE) TVD

Stefan (SEXY VAMPIRE) TVD

Elena (VAMPIRE) (TVD)

Jean Claude (SEXY VAMPIRE (later on)) ABS

Bonnie (WITCH) TVD

Willow (WITCH) BTVS

Tara (WITCH) BTVS

Cassie (WITCH) TSC

Dawn (THE USELESS ONE) BTVS

MORE PEOPLE (from everywhere) 

Xander (BTVS)

Cordelia (BTVS)

Oz (BTVS)

Spike (BTVS)

Anya (BTVS)

The Guy With The Cheese (BTVS)

Alfie – Jude Law (Alfie)

Jack Black (a.k.a Jables) - himself

The Famous Five – as themselves

Anita (THE AUTHOR/DOMINATRIX) – as herself

SPECTATORS – locked in the monkey cage, poked by sticks 

Kaye (TRASHY TEMPTRESS) – herself

Sienna Miller

Angelina Jolie

Scarlet Johanson

Thora Birch (Ghost World)

Screaming Fans (of Buffy and Angel)

Colin Farrell (DRUNKEN IRISH TOSSER)

Ryan Phillippe (SLAVE) (CRUEL INTENTIONS)

Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates Of The Caribbean)

David Beckham

Tyler Durden (Fight Club)

Dafydd (THE ONLY GAY IN THE VILLAGE) (Little Britain)

Daft Punk (in robot suits)

SURPRISE GUEST APPEARANCES 

_Well it wouldn't be a surprise if I told you now, would it?

* * *

_

**CHAPTER 1**

JULIAN: So this whole thing is about ME?

ANITA: No, it's about a mixture of people, Julian. Go talk to Jenny for a bit.

JULIAN: _sulks_ Fine, be that way.

JENNY: You know I love you best _rolls eyes._ Can we get on with this now?

JULIAN: Nyeh. Anything for you. _grins foolishly_

TOM: _is restrained by WILLOW and TARA_ You bad boy! She's MINE! I'm gonna scratch your eyes out!

ALL: _look at TOM strangely_ Whateverrrrrr.

_TOM fights ineffectually against WILLOW then gives up and slumps to the floor. JULIAN and JENNY smirk_

ANITA: Finally. ACTION!

JACK BLACK (JABLES): Dude, what the hell is going on?

ANITA: Quiet Jables, you're ruining my spoof.

JABLES: _singing_ This is just a tribute……

ALL: SHUT IT!

JABLES: Fine. I love you too. _walks around the room again and again waggling his butt_

ANITA: _rolls eyes_ You're wasting my script and everyone's time. You only do that when I say so!

_JABLES sulks_

ANITA: Right ok, first of all is Xander trying to chat up Audrey.

_ALL burst into hysterical laughter. AUDREY looks disdainful_

_XANDER: starts to cry_ What is it? It's my shirt isn't it! I knew it! starts a song in a cracked high voice 'I've been having a bad bad day, why won't you……'

_ALL interrupt with howls of laughter. XANDER covers his face and runs away to the doughnut shop_

TOM: Is it my bit yet?

ANITA: Not yet Tom, sit down and be quiet. Ok, now that that's done, we need all the original people from The Forbidden Game here.

SUMMER: _dressed in too big pj's and carrying a teddy even bigger than her_ They wrote a series about us? Since, like, when?

ANITA: _rolling eyes_ Just come and stand here Summer, and you can leave the teddy bear over there.

SUMMER: _growls_ NO! Spike stays with me.

SPIKE: Hey that's my name! Change it now or I'll bite you!

ANYA: You can be my teddy bear. _winks_

_ALL look slightly sick and stare at Spike. ANGEL smirks and watches SPIKE squirm_

TOM: _obviously bored_ Is it MY bit yet?

JULIAN: No, shut up or I'll set Amy The Brat on you.

AMY THE RAT: Squeak.

ANITA: STOP IT! It's my spoof, and I want everyone from TFG here NOW!

_ALL look frightened and start prodding Dee and Tom to get to the front_

ANITA: Thank you. _beams_

_ALL look relieved_

TOM: Is it my bit yet?

ALL: NO!

ANITA: Yes actually, it is.

_ALL look annoyed_

ANITA: You have to go and fight Julian for taking Jenny off you.

_JULIAN: grins evilly and cracks his knuckles_

TOM: He took Jenny away? Huh? Since when?

_JENNY: rolls eyes_ Since the Games, duh.

TOM: Oh yeah. _tries to growl and squeaks instead_ Bring it on!

_SPECTATORS munch popcorn and look at TOM interestedly from behind the bars_

ANITA: Hey where's my popcorn? _nicks some off CORDELIA_ You don't want to eat that anyway.

CORDELIA: HEY!

_JULIAN takes off his shirt and flexes his muscles to show JENNY. ALL GIRLS and JABLES drool_

ANITA: _with regret_ Put the shirt back on Julian, we'll never get this done otherwise.

_ALL GIRLS stare at ANITA venomously_

ANITA: Umm………maybe after this scene then.

TOM: COME ON! It's MY bit!

_JULIAN glares venomously at TOM_

_TOM: falls down unconscious_

_ALL: cheering_ YAY!

_SUMMER: sucks thumb_

ANITA: Ok that was just for practice. _grins evilly_ NOW it's script time.

_STEFAN and DAMON walk in_

CORDELIA: _from the cage_ He…llo SALTY GOODNESSES! _rattles the bars, grinning_

_ELENA strolls in behind them and puts an arm round each_

CORDELIA: _aghast_ I cannot win! _cries in sheer fury_

_ANGEL, DAMON and STEFAN (THE SEXY VAMPIRES): look uncomfortable_

_BUFFY and ELENA: smirk and exchange knowing glances_

ELENA: So………like what are we doing here?

ANITA: Playing, what else?

_ALL: cheer_

ELENA: _shrugs_ So………do you like……ummm……have any O-pos?

BUFFY: _suspiciously_ Wait……are you a vampire?

STEFAN, DAMON and ELENA: Yep.

DAMON: _eyeing BUFFY up_ Wana make something of it?

ANITA: Break it up guys. She's a Slayer and she'll……

DAMON:_ interrupting_ What's a Slayer?

BUFFY and FAITH (THE SLAYERS): _grin evilly_ Want to see?

ANITA: SCRIPT!

_THE SLAYERS, THE SEXY VAMPIRES and ELENA: sulk_

SPIKE:_ looking up at the script_ HEY! Why am I not a sexy vampire?

_ALL: look at SPIKE incredulously and laugh_

ANITA: Hmm.

SPIKE: I was only asking!

_THE SLAYERS, THE SEXY VAMPIRES and ELENA: laugh at SPIKE_

_SPECTATORS: rattle the bars of their monkey cage and yell SPIKE! SPIKE!_

SPIKE: What? What?

SPECTATORS: We LOVE YOU Spike!

SPIKE: Finally. At least someone loves me. _pointed look at BUFFY_

_Violins start to play. BUFFY looks abashed and stares at ANGEL. ANGEL looks annoyed and stares at SPIKE. SPIKE looks put out and looks at the SPECTATORS. The SPECTATORS laugh._

ANITA: Hmm.

TOM: _wakes up_ Is it my bit yet?

ANITA:_ knocks TOM unconscious again_ Nope.

_BONNIE sidles in_

BONNIE: Am I late?

_WILLOW and TARA eye up BONNIE appreciatively. BONNIE hides behind DAMON_

CORDELIA: NOO!

_WILLOW and TARA: sulk_

ANITA: _smirks_ Bonnie's a witch, too.

_WILLOW and TARA: make a pretty, magical light show_

ALL: _entranced_ OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_XANDER: walks in, eating a doughnut_ NO! WILLOW! You were supposed to give magic up!

WILLOW: _shrugs_ I did. I just took it back up again afterwards.

TARA: _sniggers_ Very good, honey.

JULIAN: You do magic?_ draws a rune_

_the whole studio disappears and ALL find themselves in a Victorian style house_

ANITA: JULIAN! Stop it! I'm trying to direct a spoof, not play in your Shadow House!

WILLOW: _mind-sucks the Forbidden Game 1_ Oh, so THAT'S a Shadow House.

ANITA: _infuriated_ WILLOW! OH MY GOD! That was my favourite book! Now I'm going to have to go and get another one of my 364 copies!

_ALL: stare at ANITA like she's crazy_

LILAH: Wow there's one obsessed freak. _shakes head in wonder_

BUFFY AND ANGEL FANS (IN THE CAGE): look offended at LILAH's comment

JULIAN: _flattered _You liked my House that much?

ANITA: _proudly _I have that book for every day of the year, but now Willow has RUINED my set. I'M RUINED! _glares at WILLOW_

_WILLOW: ashamed, puts the words back into the book_ Sorry.

ANITA: Thank you. Now can we get to the script? It's gathering dust.

JULIAN: Is there actually a script? _looks amazed_

_ALL: blow dust and cobwebs off their scripts_

AUDREY: _with a sniff _Apparently so.

ANITA: _looks offended_ Right, all the Forbidden Gamers go and sit around the table and start colouring in your little nightmares and stuff.

_FORBIDDEN GAMERS: sit down, SUMMER chewing a green crayon_

LORNE: Hey that's my colour! _preens and looks into a mirror in the corner of the room_

_SUMMER: takes the crayon out of her mouth and grins with green teeth _Meh.

_ALL: roll eyes_

ANITA: Right…………swear that you're all playing the game. Of your own free will.

AUDREY: Are you sure this is safe? I don't want to go back to the Shadow House.

MICHAEL: Yeah……isn't this for real?

ANITA: _with a glare_ YOU'LL DO WHAT I SAY!

ZACH: _speaking for the first time in like, ever_ That's not free will then is it!_ looks sarcastically around for support_

_ANITA: gets out her uber long dominatrix_ _whip and lashes out at ZACH:_ DO IT!

ZACH: OW! _going red _THAT HURT! Do it again!

_ALL THE SECRET SADISTS grin_

ANITA: Eww no. Just swear already. Wait, where are the others?

_JENNY and JULIAN: are making out in the corner_ What?

ANITA: _rolls eyes_ God. Get your asses over here and swear. Wait, Julian you don't have to. Go stand over there. AWAY FROM JENNY. _bats JENNY out of the way_

_ALL GIRLS smirk and look at JULIAN. JULIAN stands in the shadows and preens_

JENNY: HEY! _with an annoyed look at ANITA_ What the hell are you doing?

ANITA: Making a goddamn spoof, how many times do I have to say it! SIT! Now all of you, I want you to swear that your playing the game.

JENNY: Why?

DEE: Because we're going back to the Shadow House, dumbass! _to the camera_ Jenny was never very smart.

JENNY: Hey! I'm smarter than you. We're already in the Shadow House, you bloodless money grubbing freak.

_THORA BIRCH: looking at JENNY_ Wait…that's from American Beauty! You can't even think up your own insults. What a Lame-O.

JENNY: _looks insulted_ Whatever. Anyway, Dee's stupider than me.

DEE: Hey I'm not the one who passed up Julian when she had the chance to live in his house and have lots of cool free stuff. _looks at the SPECTATORS for support._

ANITA: Didn't you say that all guys were lying hounds?

_DEE: looks annoyed_ Damnit! I don't like being quoted. Let me see that goddamn book. _snatches ANITA'S copy._

_DEE reads the book and starts laughing._

DEE: HAHAHAHA! This says all of Jenny's thoughts about Julian. Ha. Now I know what you were REALLY thinking.

JENNY: _blushing_ Shit. Get off that! _tries to grab the book but fails miserably_

_JULIAN: grins _Hey let me see!

_JENNY: desperately blocks his path and grabs him_

JULIAN: Ha. You're so predictable._ grabs JENNY_

_JENNY and JULIAN start making out again_

ANITA: OI! Stop that! _gets out the hosepipe and sprays cold water over them_

_JENNY and JULIAN scream and cower away from the hosepipe, both soaking wet_

_ANITA: smirks evilly _Right. Now can we get on with the rest of the script?

_JENNY and JULIAN glare at ANITA_

ANITA: I'll take that as a yes. _looks round at the rest of the cast who are partying and trashing the House_ Hmm. Maybe not. _shouts_ Hey!

_ALL CAST carry on partying regardless_

ANITA: HEY!

_ALL CAST pause_ WHAT?

ANITA: Filming's over for today. Everyone can party some more and if you're good I'll bring some pom poms tomorrow!

ALL CAST (most of which are already drunk): WOOO!

ANITA: _grabs vodka_ Ok. _turns to the camera and grins_ If you can't beat them...

* * *

THE NEXT DAY……… 

_Everyone is on set, preparing to go back to the Shadow House. Various members of the cast are wandering round looking worse for wear. ANITA clutches her head and makes plans._

ANITA: Willow! You and Tara are going to crash the Shadow House and capture Juliana.

WILLOW: _still drunk andquite possibly stoned_Wha……?

JABLES: _singing _Wonderwillow! What is the secret of your power……………?

_The Famous Five walk in. Everyone looks at the unwelcome intrusion_

TIMMY: Woof.

JULIAN#2 (THE FAMOUS FIVE): By Jove! This is a queer place, don't you think, George?

TIMMY: Woof Woof.

_THE SPECTATORS looks bemused and amused._ _COLIN FARRELL starts laughing, but that could just be from the pills._

GEORGE (GEORGINA): Isn't he a darling. Why yes, it is Julian. Would you like some ginger beer and ham sandwiches?

ALL: What the…………?

ANITA: Ummm who the hell are you?

FAMOUS FIVE:_ in synchrony_ We are (_drum roll)_ The Famous FIVE! _pause for reaction_

_Silence._

ANITA: Umm…that's nice.

_BUFFY: whispers to SPIKE_ I've never heard of them. What are they famous for?

SPIKE: Being tasty? _puts vamp face on then howls because of the chip_

FAMOUS FIVE: How queer!

_SPIKE: angry_ HEY! Who are you calling queer?

_WILLOW and TARA: look at each other, then at SPIKE and smirk knowingly_

_JABLES: interrupts rudely _Wait……isn't that a dog?

_ALL: look at GEORGINA_

JABLES: No, I meant THAT dog. points

_ALL: look at TIMMY_ Ah.

JULIAN#2: So?

JABLES: So how come the dog talks?

TIMMY: Woof.

_BUFFY: mutters _Stupid dog.

OZ: Mmm.

GEORGINA: How dare you say that about my beloved………

_ANITA: cuts in _Ok ok enough. Put the dog outside and lets start filming.

_FAMOUS FIVE: grumble_

ANITA: NOW! Or I wont let you play with the pom-poms.

_ALL: grab GEORGINA and throw her outside_

TIMMY: Haha sucker………umm……Woof.

_ALL: stare at TIMMY_

JENNY: It's possessed! _stares_

_ALL: watch to see if it's head turns around doing the 'Exorcist Twist'._

MATTHEW LILLARD (THE BAD JOKER – GUEST STAR): Maybe it needs to be exorcised. Exercised, exorcised, get it? It's a JOKE! _waits for the canned laughter_

_Silence._

_ALL: roll eyes, each secretly wondering if it's true_

CORDELIA: No way! I SAW that movie. EVEN THE PRIEST DIED!

ANITA: _looking incensed (annoyed that is, not fragranced_) Cordelia, don't quote old script lines from the scene where you and Xander were talking in 'I only have eyes for you.' It's unprofessional. _rolls eyes_

_CORDELIA: sulks_ You FREAK! How was I supposed to know that you learnt every bit of dialogue from BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER?

_ANITA: grins slyly as CORDELIA rages_

AUDREY: Well I think the dog is possessed.

OZ: _mildly curious_ Really? Maybe it's a weredog.

SCOOBY DOO: _jealously_ No, I'M the only weredog here.

_ALL: nod knowingly_

XANDER: _shocked _IT CAN TALK!

BUFFY: No shit Sherlock.

ANITA: Ok, whatever, just lets get it out.

TIMMY: HEY!

_BUFFY grabs TIMMY and throws him out of the door. Canine cursing is heard from outside_

ANITA: Ok, Julian, invoke Uruz and let's go back to the Shadow House.

JULIAN#2: How queer!

JULIAN: That's MY name! How dare you use it!

_ALL GIRLS: glare at the offending imposter_ HOW DARE YOU!

JULIAN#2: What an adventure!

_BUFFY and ELENA: grab the remaining three of the FAMOUS FIVE and throw them out._

ANITA: Thank you. Now. Julian, invoke the rune please.

_JULIAN: invokes it and opens a portal_ This is the cooler way. _looks at JENNY for approval_

_JENNY looks suitably impressed_

ANITA: What the hell?

BUFFY: NO! Dawn!

_ALL: look puzzled_

_ANITA: explains _Buffy had to save Dawn (AGAIN) _rolls eyes_ by jumping into a portal to close it. She went to heaven, blah blah, and Willow brought her back.

_WILLOW looks ashamed. BUFFY looks tragic. THE BUFFY AND ANGEL FANS look bored. This was, after all, repeated at the beginning of every episode in season 6_

_DAWN (THE USELESS ONE): starts whining_ BUFFY! You drank ALL the milk. I'm gonna tell Giles over this!

_ALL: glare at DAWN_ Useless. _shake head_ Useless girl.

_DAWN: in high pitched squeak_ What? Buffy!

_ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: grabs a gun_ Want me to do something about it?

_ANITA: considers for a moment_ Aww I really would, but I think we can torture her later. Prolonged suffering is the answer.

_ALL: smirk nastily at THE USELESS ONE _YEAH!

_ELENA grabs DAWN and throws her outside too. ALL look relieved_

_ANITA: gives ELENA a pom-pom _THANK YOU! _whispers_ We can kill her later.

_ELENA smirks and shakes her pom-pom at everyone_

_ALL: stare in wonder and envy _Oooh! Aaah!

JULIAN: Are you going to come through the portal or are you going to stand there all day?

_ALL go through portal, reluctantly looking back at ELENA's pom-pom_

_The room empties and the portal vanishes

* * *

_

_Everyone wakes up and finds themselves sprawled in the living room of the Victorian Shadow House. ANITA points at the door to the rest of the House, and WILLOW and TARA slip out quietly to find JULIANA. Everyone except the FORBIDDEN GAMERS move to around the monkey cage to watch._

_CORDELIA: poking ELENA_ HEY! You're blocking my view!

_ELENA: growls at CORDELIA_

_CORDELIA: glares through the bars and then sees STEFAN stood in front of ELENA._ Well there's a better view here anyway. _glances admiringly._

ANITA: Ok……_refers to the Forbidden Game 1: The Hunter_ Julian, go and hide behind that Oriental screen thingy. The rest of you, sprawl on the floor again and act like you're unconscious.

TOM: YAY! It's my bit! I get to be unconscious!

BUFFY: Can I knock him unconscious?

_ANITA: looks at script_ Doesn't say you can't……no, best not, he has to act it instead. _evil laugh_

_BUFFY: looks disappointed_

TOM: But………but……………

ANITA: Quiet!

_TOM sulks_

ANITA: Where's Zachary?

JENNY: A photograph of Julian ate him.

_ALL look at JULIAN, scared. JULIAN blushes_

ANITA:……………Right. THE WEIRD GUY from American Beauty can play him instead. Is that ok, Weird Guy?

_THE WEIRD GUY: with a videocamera trained on various girls _Umm ok.

ANITA: Good, good. Right, GAMERS, I need you to begin to wake up now, and Michael needs to freak out.

MICHAEL: I do that anyway _cheesy grin_

ANITA: Umm………………yeah. _shakes head _ACTION!

MICHAEL: _whispers _Aud, tell me something to freak me out.

AUDREY: You have leaves growing on your arm.

_ANITA: smirks_

_MICHAEL: thinks_ No, something scarier.

AUDREY: Ok, there won't be anything to eat for the next 4 hours.

_MICHAEL: stuffs a Twinkie bar into his mouth_ Oh my god!

_ALL: in unison _YOU KILLED KENNY!

_MICHAEL: pauses_ What?

_ANITA: sighs_ Never mind. Jenny, you have to tell Tom that you're ACTUALLY in the Shadow House.

XANDER: Imagine that.

_JENNY: rolls eyes and says flatly_ Oh my God, Tom…………We're. In. The. House.

_ALL cheer_

_Silence_

ANITA: TOM! Don't you read your script? Tell her that there's no way you can be in the house, and she shouldn't be so silly.

_TOM snores_

ANITA: Tom! Wake up!

_TOM is suddenly silent_

ANITA: _slyly_ For the love of Julian wake up!

_TOM wakes up quickly_

_JULIAN scowls and moves away from TOM. JENNY frowns. ALL roar with laughter_

ANITA: Tom! It's YOUR BIT!

_JULIAN hides from TOM behind JENNY_

JABLES: _singing BLACK EYED PEAS_ Tell me where is the love, the love, the love……

ANITA: Ok Jables, enough. TOM!

_The air suddenly becomes deathly cold. Tendrils of smoke curl around the open doorway and a shadowy figure appears. ALL gasp_

_ANITA: sighs _Hello, Juliana.

_JULIANA: sulks _You ruined my entrance! Anyway, how did you know it was me?

ANITA: Puh-lease. I CREATED you!

_JULIANA looks angry. ALL look at ANITA in awe._

_ANITA: smirks_ What? She's in my fanfiction.

ANGEL: What's a fanfiction?

_ANITA: sighs _Go on out.

ANGEL: _embarrassed _I can't use a computer.

ANITA: Ok, well it's where you write stories based on other peoples previously published works (for books) or maybe movies or TV shows…………

_ANGEL: interrupts_ Like for Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

BUFFY: And Angel?

_ANGEL and BUFFY smile at each other. ALL gag_

ANITA: Yes, and then you can put the characters and settings from them into your own plot. As long as you put a disclaimer. _checks her script for the disclaimer_. Do you understand?

_ALL nod head_

ANITA: You didn't, did you?

_ALL shake head_

_ANITA: sighs_ Well I'm not paying you to understand, I'm paying you to act.

_ALL nod_

ANITA: Stop that!

_ALL look chastised_

ANITA: Jesus.

JULIANA: So…………what are you doing in my House?

JULIAN: _annoyed _It's MY House pulls JULIANA's hair

_JULIANA starts a rune battle_

ANITA: Children. Be nice.

_JULIANA and JULIAN sulk_

ANITA: Right. Script people!

DEE: _in a cheerful voice_ Oh no! A pink elephant is trying to eat me!

_ALL look bewitched, bothered and bewildered_

ANITA: Dee! That's not in the script! Can't you people READ?

XANDER, JABLES and SUMMER: Nope.

_DEE smirks. WILLOW and TARA walk in_

WILLOW: We found Juliana! _holds up a troblin_

_JULIANA: screams in outrage_

_TROBLIN: smirks and winks_

ANITA: Umm Willow? That's a troblin.

_WILLOW: looks embarrassed_ Oops!

_ANITA points at the seething JULIANA_ THAT is Juliana.

_WILLOW and TARA eye JULIANA up interestedly. ALL snigger at JULIANA. JULIANA looks even angrier_

ANITA: Ok, well put the troblin over there and then we can start.

TROBLIN: _in a nasal whine_ Oi! Don't I get a say in this?

_ALL look bored_

XANDER: _amazed_ IT CAN TALK!

ANITA:_ rolls eyes_ No shit Sherlock.

TROBLIN: I'm the best talking troblin since the Fluffy Battle Kitten.

_FLUFFY BATTLE KITTEN nods_

ANITA: Whatever. Go and get us all some coffee.

_THE SLAYERS look pleased. THE SEXY VAMPIRES look dubious_

DAMON: Do you _have_ any troblin friends? _licks his fangs suggestively_

TROBLIN: _nervously_ Well there's David.

DAMON: David?

TROBLIN: _slyly_ He's tasty.

_ALL: look amused_

_ALL VAMPIRES: lick lips_

TROBLIN: _shouts_ OI! David!

DAVID THE TROBLIN: _in a crazy devil voice_ You rang?

_ALL VAMPIRES stare hungrily at DAVID_

ANITA: We are inviting you to dinner, David. _grins maniacally_

_DAVID: laughs insanely_

ANITA: O……...k

_ALL: look freaked out_

_SPIKE grabs DAVID and bites him. After a moment of silence, SPIKE shouts_

SPIKE: BLOODY HELL! THIS TASTES DISGUSTING!

_THE VAMPIRES are annoyed. DAVID laughs insanely again_

ANITA: Well tough shit. You'll have to make do. Or have a trobbit.

_JULIANA: pulls a trobbit out of the wall_ Try this.

_SPIKE backs away, wiping his mouth and retching_

_ANGEL: with a long-suffering sigh_ I'll try it. _Bites the troblin_ THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER TASTED!

_SPIKE: rolls his eyes disgustedly and says sarcastically_ Why me?

_JULIANA pulls more trobbits and trobbettes out of the wall for THE VAMPIRES. THE VAMPIRES bite them and go into drugged hazes_

ANITA: What the hell is in those things? _looks round at the half of the cast rolling round_ _in ecstatic hazes._ I want some!

JULIANA: Ecstasy and grooble juice.

ANITA: Grooble Juice?

JULIAN: It's a Class A Shadow World drug. Helps relieve the boredom and loneliness.

_JENNY: stares at JULIAN suspiciously_

_JULIAN: coughs_ So I've heard.

ANITA: _alarmed_ Well how long will they be like this?

JULIANA: Most of the people who try this drug don't ever want to leave the paradise behind.

ANITA: _aghast _MY CAST! _looks at the disintegrating spoof and starts tearing her hair out_

BUFFY: But…………but……….ANGEL!

ANITA: _suspiciously_ Umm, would you say this 'Grooble Juice' gave you…………perfect happiness?

_JULIANA: looks thoughtful_ What an apt description!

ALL: _with feeling_ Oh SHIT!

* * *

_ALL turn to look at ANGEL, who, with a blissful smile on his face, suddenly starts convulsing and rolling on the floor. Everyone runs out of the parlour screaming. THE VAMPIRES are still slumped on the floor with silly smiles on their faces._

JULIANA: _after watching the others bar the door_ What the………..?

ANITA: We just lost Angel! It's all your fault!

BUFFY: He's Angelus now!

JULIANA: _with sarcasm_ What difference does two letters make?

_A thump is heard at the door. TOM screams._

_ALL: scream at TOM_

_TOM: screams and hides _

_A louder, more impatient thump comes at the door._

DOOR: Knock Knock!

ANITA: Who's there?

DISEMBODIED VOICE (BEHIND THE DOOR): _in a growly tone_ He….llo Sidney!

ANITA:_ rolls her eyes_ Wrong spoof mate.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: What's your favourite scary movie?

ANITA: That's so unoriginal! Who are you, Billy Lumas?

_ALL (WHO GET THE REFERENCE) smirk_

DISEMBODIED VOICE: No, I'm Zorro.

_ALL roll eyes_ Whatever.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: No really, I am.

ANITA: Go away, we're waiting for a REAL serial killer to come and kill us. You think we're going to die a crappy half death by way of a newbie psycho?

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Oh, ok. Bye then.

ALL: _cheerfully_ Bye!

_Another thump sounds at the door_

ANITA: We told you to go away!

DISEMBODIED VOICE: You never told me your name.

ANITA: GET LOST!

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Geez, sorry.

_Yet another thump sounds at the door_

_ALL roll eyes again_

ANITA: What now?

DISEMBODIED VOICE#2: Why did you leave me here?

BUFFY: ANGEL!

DISEMBODIED VOICE#2: Buffy? Is that you?

ANITA: Jesus Angel, I watch your shows. Don't you think I know what Angelus sounds like?_ turns to the camera_He should really improvehis Irish accent.

DISEMBODIED VOICE#2: _with cruel casualness_ Damn, Angel is such a sucker. You're better off with me, honey.

BUFFY: _sobs quietly_ NOT AGAIN!

ANITA: _yawns _Whatever. Are you going to try and kill us or what?

ANGELUS: Just wait till I tear your life from you as you watch me from your chains.

ANITA: Do you even know who I am?

ANGELUS: A pitiful worm in the way of……………

ANITA: _interrupts_ No, I am the AUTHOR so nothing can happen to me. NOTHING! Mwahahahahaha!

_ALL look jealous and sulky_

ANGELUS: Well I don't give one. I want to see what your insides look like!

ANITA:_ smugly_ Whatever. You can't get in. _looks around at the assembled CAST and whispers _Ok. Buffy, Willow, Faith, put your sleeping bags down on the floor and treat it like it's your home. No wait, Buffy; just pretend it is. I don't want this place getting trashed, no offence.

_BUFFY starts to protest_ But…….

ANITA:_ cutting her off_ Puh-lease. How many episodes did Xander have to fix your windows and doors?

XANDER: Someone actually appreciates me!

_A loud bang sounds at the door_

FAITH: _mutters_ SUCH an attention seeker.

ANGELUS: I heard that!

_ALL snigger derisively. The sound of a chainsaw being started is heard. Dee looks angry, Juliana looks afraid (AFRAID?) and the trobbits, troblins and trobbettes just look bored. Everyone else looks nervous and are getting out their emergency spoof kits (normal first aid stuff and then some water balloons (filled with regulation water, not holy) and stakes. And a rubber chicken each. ANITA pulls out three knives, a highly polished stake, a sawn-off shotgun, a spine knife and a feather boa. Everyone gapes)._

_ANITA sees the stares _What? I don't have a Julian to protect me from evil.

_JENNY smirks_

_ANITA glares_ Bitch.

_ALL GIRLS nod in agreement_

ANITA: Ok, the knives are made out of silver, the gun has silver bullets and the spine knife makes me look cool. _puts on the feather boa_ Ha. Now I look like Tim Curry.

TIM CURRY (SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE): But sometimes, even smiling makes my face ache._ bites finger dramatically_

_ROCKY HORROR PICTURE FANS applaud _

_The chainsaw splinters the wood of the door, and penetrates it. After cutting a head-shaped hole in the top, ANGELUS stands on tiptoe and looks through, his fangs extended and vamp face on. Everyone screams._

_ANITA waves a knife at ANGELUS_ Stay the hell away.

BUFFY: Don't stake him unless you really have to. _to the camera _He's great in bed.

ANITA: Hmm ok. If we can capture him we can get a thingy Orb and restore his soul. Again.

BUFFY: _proudly _You're a real fan aren't you?

ANITA: More like a stalker, actually.

BUFFY: Oh right. Cool.

ANGELUS: Hello? I'm about to butcher you.

_ANITA resumes panicked look_ Ok. Sorry.

ANGELUS: THANK YOU!

_BUFFY and ANITA roll eyes_

_Drum roll and spooky music, and everyone stares in fright at ANGELUS. ANGELUS beats at the door a bit and then pushes his face through again, looking around. ALL watch him, terrified._

ANGELUS: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S ANGELUS!

_Everyone screams again, runs around and then freezes in silly positions_

ANITA: Find out what happens next week in the second episode of The Forbidden Medley!

Note – May not actually be next week.

* * *

JULIAN: _reads the first chapter_ God this is so cheesy. 

ANITA: I know. Will they hate it?

JULIAN: Probably. You only got 1 review for chapters 8 and 9 COMBINED of The Forbidden Dance.

_ANITA flushes_ Hey! I told you not to bring that up again!

_JULIAN grinsevilly_ Sorry. They'll love it. And to show their love, they'll review. Obviously. _To the reader_ Bear in mind that I'm being made to do this; not paid.

ANITA: Shut it Julian. You'd better be nicer to me in future! _glares, then runs off crying_

JULIAN: Umm…………ok, well considering you actually read this far, you deserve an award! So please will you review?_looks desperate_For me? _looking round fearfully _She'll make me do things in the spoof that i don't want to do! PLEASE PLEASE!

_ANITA __peeks in_ Please what?

_JULIAN looks embarrassed_ Please review. I have to...umm...go now..._escapes_

_ANITA looks bemused_ Rightttttttt. Well if you want more then you know what to do!


	2. The Chaos Continues

**Author's Note:** Wow, it's been two years since I last updated. To anybody who cares, sorry sorry sorry I promise to be better!. I've just come back onto and I plan to continue this spoof if I get enough interest. Reviews being interest, yes? If you like this spoof, tell me. If you don't, tell me why not and I'll try to change it so that it's better. I hope you like it; I've included characters from shows, films, books and even my imagination (wow) and so the spoof continues with another chapter. If I get 5 reviews for this then I will write another chapter. I may be starting another fanfic as well but I plan to keep up with this if people like it.

Ok I'm done talking now._ grins_ Have fun reading. Thanks to all who reviewed chapter 1 so long ago, I will give all personal mentions in the next chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters except ANITA (me) the TROBLINS, the TROBBITS and JULIANA. All the others are owned by various other authors that are mentioned in the cast list in the first chapter. I hate the fact that I have to repeat this again so I'm just going to be lazy and say that I don't own the characters you recognise, ok?

* * *

**THE FORBIDDEN MEDLEY - SPOOFSTYLE**

**CHAPTER 2 - The Chaos Continues**

_ALL look around finally, blowing dust and cobwebs off each other before glaring at ANITA_

_ANITA: annoyed_ What? What! Just because I was a little slow updating!

_ALL: glare again before resuming plot_

SPIKE: HEY! Why am I in the monkey cage? _rattles bars_ LET ME OUT!

ANITA: No. You're funnier in the cage. Plus Kaye wanted some eye candy.

_KAYE smirks, SPIKE sulks_

_A loud rumbling comes from the door ANGELUS is behind. ALL gasp_

SUMMER: Wh-Wh-What's that NOISE!

BUFFY: I recognise that sound………wait, it's only Angel snoring.

ANITA: What the hell? Wake up you lazy git! We're trying to make a damn spoof here!

_ANGELUS: mumbling_ Mummy…mu…wakes with a start WHAT?

_FAITH: smirks_ Loving the drool, baby.

_ALL: snigger derisively_

_THE SPECTATORS: hoot and rattle the bars_

_ANGELUS: growls and wipes the drool away before grabbing a huge stick to poke the SPECTATORS with_

_SPECTATORS: look abashed and cower_

BUFFY: Wait……weren't you just trying to kill us?

_ALL: nod thoughtfully_

ANGELUS: Yeah but I can't get the splinters out of my fangs from sleeping in the door.

VICKY POLLARD: Yerbutnobutyerbutnobutyer but you can't just do that coz you can't be a vampire just by biting someone you have to pull their eyelashes out as well. And OHMYGOD Sienna just got off with Kaye.

ANGELUS: What the……?

VICKY POLLARD: OHMYGOD I don't believe you just said THAT!

_THE SPECTATORS: laugh at the double act_

KAYE: What the hell? I hate you Sienna! JUDE'S MINE!

_a fight ensues in the monkey cage, and SIENNA loses half her hair_

_KAYE: restrained by a straight jacket_ Bitch!

_SIENNA: cries like a wuss_ ALFIE! Jude, where ARE YOU?

_JUDE LAW: hides behind JULIAN_ Shit! _turns to AUDIENCE_ You know what I mean?

_ANGELUS: picks up the chainsaw_ Mwahahahahaha!

_sounds of the chainsaw demolishing the door are heard, and JULIAN points towards the door into the rest of the house_

_ALL: scream and run into the creepy wallpapered corridor_

_ANGELUS: trips over the Oriental screen and is knocked out_

_THE SEXY VAMPIRES: roll eyes_

THORA BIRCH: What a LAME-O.

DAMON: What a FREAK. _walks menacingly after the receding screams._

STEFAN: Wait……aren't we the good guys in this spoof?

_DAMON: thinks_ No. _grins evilly and continues with his badass swagger_

STEFAN: Huh? But…but…_ sees ANGELINA JOLIE in the monkey cage and puts on a badass look_ Yeah damn straight we're evil. Mwahaha.

_DAWN: creeps out from behind the fallen screen_ Mom? Buffy?

_THE SEXY VAMPIRES: laugh evilly_

_DAWN is easily overpowered by DAMON and STEFAN and handcuffed with Samarus Brand Kinky Black Handcuffs to the monkey cage. THE SPECTATORS grab sticks and poke her. DAWN whines. Again._

SPIKE: Ha. Get out of that, Key.

_ALL WHO GET IT: snigger_

STEFAN: Now some more of that blood…… what's in that stuff?

ANGELINA JOLIE: Ecstasy and Grooble Juice.

_STEFAN: drags his eyes back up to her face_ What?

_ANGELINA JOLIE: rolls eyes_

_DAMON: drags STEFAN towards the door_

_ELENA: wakes up_ Wh…Where are….Where are my panties? WHERE are my PANTIES? They gonna think I'm a HO!

_DAMON: looks down at the Bridget Jones style knickers on the floor_ These yours?

ELENA: Shit. Um……no?

_STEFAN: looks appalled_ Jesus, Elena. No wonder you're a virgin.

ELENA: WHAT? It was wash day!

DAMON: Whatevvvvvveeeeeerrrrrrrr!

_ELENA: grabs the knickers and glares_

_STEFAN: sneaks a look at ANGELINA_ Come on Damon. We have EVIL stuff to do. winks broadly

_TYLER DURDEN: nods_ Self improvement is masturbation.

_DAMON: backs away_ Whoa lil' bro. Let's sort this out now…… I ain't gay.

DAFYDD: I'm the only GAY in THIS SPOOF!

SPIKE: No you're not.

KAYE: Damn! _ticks another guy off her list_

SPIKE: Sorry love.

_ALL have come to peep around the door to look at DAFYDD and SPIKE in the monkey cage_

_COLIN FARRELL: suspiciously_ Whoa guys let's keep the kit on, yeah?

_Both SPIKE and DAFYDD look appreciatively at COLIN FARRELL_

_COLIN FARRELL: backs nervously into the corner behind a DAFT PUNK ROBOT_

DAFT PUNK ROBOT #1: Meep.

_RYAN PHILLIPPE: wipes sweat off his chest with a casual flick_

_ALL GIRLS: sigh_

_BUFFY: drools_

RYAN PHILLIPPE: Aww come on Katherine. Not AGAIN.

BUFFY: But my name isn't Katherine in this! It's Buddy!

ANITA: points at script

BUFFY: squints OH! Uhh I mean Buffy, my name is BUFFY, yeah! _to ANITA_ What kind of ditzy name is Buffy!

ANITA: Hey don't blame me. Blame Joss Whedon.

JULIAN: WHOA STOP EVERYBODY!

_ALL: pause dramatically_

_JULIAN: clearing throat and wandering into the centre_ Considering this spoof is supposed to be about ME, I don't think this is focussed on me at ALL. _stamps foot_ Where's my goddamn AGENT!

_JENNY: soothes JULIAN_ There there, you know you're the star. looks at SPECTATORS and rolls eyes

_ANITA: muttering_ Ever since he got that modelling contract he's been far too egotistical.

JULIAN: I HEARD THAT!

_STEFAN and DAMON grab JULIAN_

JULIAN: What the hell are you doing? Put me down, before I set you on fire!

ELENA: STEFAN! I KNEW IT! You're such a fag.

_DAMON: sniggers_ See even your girlfriend knows.

_STEFAN: with a desperate look at ANGELINA JOLIE_ I'm NOT GAY!

SPIKE: Yeah. Denial. That's the first stage _DAFYDD nods in agreement_

_STEFAN drops JULIAN unceremoniously on the ground._

JULIAN: OW! Watch what you're doing you fang-faced fag!

_ALL: gasp_

_STEFAN jumps on JULIAN and tries to beat him up and bite him. JULIAN barely lifts a finger as runes spelling out GAY appear in glowing sparkly pink letters above STEFAN'S head. ALL howl with laughter_

ZACH (THE WEIRD GUY from American Beauty): That's BEAUTIFUL. _gets out camera and films STEFAN_

_STEFAN: looks around at all the laughing people and scowls_ What? What are you laughing at?

TOM: Take a look in the mirror.

_STEFAN wanders towards a conveniently placed corner mirror and peers in_

JEAN-CLAUDE: Il est un Dumbass. Oui, ma petite?

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Yeah. Vampires don't have reflections, you freak. And you call yourself a vampire. You wouldn't last a DAY in St. Louis.

_ALL VAMPIRES smirk at STEFAN_

_JEAN-CLAUDE: seemingly pulls out a black card from the air and hands it to STEFAN_ This is the number for my club, Guilty Pleasures. If you ever want a job sometime, just ring. smiles seductively

_STEFAN looks alarmed_

AUDREY: Too bad he's gay. He's fit.

DEE: What's that Pats…Audrey? I thought you wanted ME. _to STEFAN_ You complete bastard ya.

_AUDREY: looks alarmed at DEE and moves away towards STEFAN_

_STEFAN: looks at AUDREY coming towards him and grins_

_ELENA: looking enraged_ STEFAN! You man whore! _cracks ANITA'S whip_

_STEFAN looks ashamed_

_JULIAN, MICHAEL, DAMON and TOM all look at ELENA appreciatively_

_JENNY and AUDREY glare at the boys_

_ANITA: amused_ I wouldn't have figured Julian and Mike for kinky guys. Explanations, anyone?

_JULIAN: shoots ANITA a seductive, secretive look_

_ANITA: rolls eyes_ I see no answer is forthcoming _looks curiously at a noise from JENNY_

_JENNY: blushes red and looks down_

_JULIAN: grins wider_

ANITA: Ahh. I see. What about Michael then? Mr. Rumpled Teddy Bear likes the whip? _winks_

_ALL: look revolted_

ANITA: Yeah. _cringes_ Sorry for that image, I take it baaaaaack.

_MICHAEL looks uncomfortable and backs away down the corridor, opening a door and closing it after him. Screams are heard shortly afterwards. ALL look mystified except for JENNY, JULIAN, JULIANA and ANITA._

ANITA: FOOL! He went through the monster door, didn't he?

_JULIAN and JULIANA smile innocently. MICHAEL comes tearing back into the room with only shreds of clothes on._

MICHAEL: OH MY GOD! THERE'S A THREE-HEADED DOG BEHIND THAT DOOR!

ANITA: Ah, so that's what happened to Fluffy! I wondered.

HAGRID (SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE): I 'ad a bit too much Floo powder, y'see.

ALL HARRY POTTER FANS: Ah. _nod understandingly_

ANITA: Whatever. _tries not to fall asleep_ Man you guys are BORING me.

_ALL: look offended_

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Well I think it's the author's fault. It's not our fault if we're given bad scripts and no plot.

_ANITA: astonished_ Watch it! You'll be in the cage next!

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Bite Me.

ANITA, ALL VAMPIRES, COLIN FARRELL and CPTN JACK SPARROW: Gladly!

JEAN-CLAUDE: Well ma petite, that was an invitation if I ever heard one. _smirks_

_ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: pulls out a gun_ Back off! IT'S LOADED!

_ANITA: whispers to ANITA BLAKE_ This is a spoof. Your gun is loaded with rubber mice.

_ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER:_ What the hell? _shoots at STEFAN to check_

_A rubber mouse hits STEFAN in the crotch. STEFAN doubles over and falls to the ground in writhing spasms. ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER smirks and puts the gun away._

JEAN-CLAUDE: Nicely done, ma petite.

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Quit calling me that or I'll set the mice on you.

AMY THE RAT: Squeak!

WILLOW: She says she's a rat, not a mouse.

_ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: pulls out gun and aims it at AMY THE RAT_ I don't appreciate being corrected. Would she like to say anything else!

_AMY THE RAT: cowers and looks apologetic_

WILLOW: Umm she says sorry?

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Good. _mutters_ Jesus, where's the King of The Wererats when you need him?

_ALL WHO GET THE REFERENCE: shake heads solemnly_

_Suddenly a loud bang is heard and three figures appear, lying prone on the floor. ALL look at them with curiosity and amazement. After a few moments they start to move, making noises of discomfort._

ANITA: Who the HELL are YOU? You're crashing my spoof!

_THE MYSTERY THREE GUESTS look around at the assembled cast and the silent SPECTATORS in the monkey cage, no doubt wondering what madhouse they are in._

MYSTERY GUEST #1: I am L. J. Smith!

_ALL gasp, and ANITA looks scared. ALL FORBIDDEN GAMERS and BONNIE, ELENA, STEFAN and DAMON look interestedly at their creator._

DAMON: I must say, I am pleased to make your acquaintance. Anybody with an imagination amazing enough to create ME is obviously somebody worth knowing.

L.J.SMITH: Why thank you Damon. _looking him up and down interestedly_ You are exactly how I would have pictured you. Actually, you are a little shorter, but never mind.

_DAMON: looks slightly offended_ Hmm.

_L.J. SMITH looks round at all the characters that ANITA has 'borrowed' until she finds ANITA herself._

L.J.SMITH: Ah…Anita, I presume?

_ANITA: looks scared_ I put a disclaimer in, honest.

L.J.SMITH: Actually, I'm not here about that. Although that is good to know. Because I do, in fact, have the ability to sue your ass if I want._ smiles_ Not that I would, of course.

_ANITA: looks around at the rest of the cast who are clearly pleased to see the AUTHOR scared Yeah well…you can be in the spoof if you want. Because this is a tribute to you, yeah! edges away_

_JABLES: singing_ this is just a tribute!

L.J.SMITH: Well how could I possibly turn such an offer down? _catches sight of JULIAN and stares_

_JULIAN preens as yet another female melts. JENNY looks annoyed and everyone else rolls their eyes_

JULIAN: Welcome to my world._ puts on the 'dangerous look'_

L.J.SMITH: You must be Julian. You are EXACTLY how I imagined you. _smiles smugly then sees JENNY. _Damn. You're here too.

_JENNY glares_

_ANITA: looking put out_ OK, ok, time to get back to your scripts people. _looking round at the bored faces_ NOW!

_ALL jump and start hunting for scripts_

ANITA: OK now the next thing is that all you…_stops as she is interrupted AGAIN_ What now?

MYSTERY GUEST #2: Excuse me? What are you doing with MY characters!

ANITA: What? Who the hell are you?

MYSTERY GUEST #2: Laurell K. Hamilton. And I think you'll find that I don't want people usurping my characters for their own FILTHY purposes.

ANITA: My purpose isn't filthy!

SCISSOR SISTERS: COZ YOU'RE FILTHY! OO AN' I'M GORGEOUS!

_ALL start bopping_

ANITA: I'm just a humble AUTHOR trying to write a SPOOF. I'm only trying to make the world a funnier place! IS THAT A CRIME?

LAURELL K.: No. But stealing my characters is.

ANITA: It's not stealing, it's 'borrowing'.

LAURELL K.: Whatever. I want them back. turning to the cast ANITA BLAKE! JEAN-CLAUDE! Come on, we're leaving now!

_JEAN-CLAUDE and ANITA BLAKE look startled and annoyed_

_ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: pointing at LAURELL K_ Look here lady, I ain't your dog. I have my own life and I am not going to be ordered round like some pet. _looks indignant_ Especially from someone who made me choose between two hunky guys. I'm staying here.

JEAN-CLAUDE: I second that. I stay with ma petite.

LAURELL K.: No. I own you. Get your asses over here NOW!

_ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: pulls out the mini Uzi_ Don't. Argue. With. Me. I don't want to go back to that series. You're making me into a whore. _looks at all the ANITA BLAKE fans for support_ Right guys?

ANITA BLAKE FANS: YEAH!

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: See?

LAURELL K.: You can't do this!_ flustered_ I OWN YOU!

_At a signal from ANITA BLAKE, ALL VAMPIRES pounce on LAURELL K and bundle her into the monkey cage._

LAURELL K.: I refuse to allow this. _pulls at door_ Let me out at ONCE!

_ANITA: smirks_ No. Way to go Executioner!

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Thanks._ grins_ It's way more fun here than in the series. You get to meet loads of hunky new people. And freaks. I like it.

ANITA: Aww thanks. Come back in the next one if you want. And bring Richard with Jean Claude, it'll be fun.

_ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: nods_ Ok, cool. Can I meet him again? _points at the monkey cage_

CPTN JACK SPARROW: Who, me? _looks piratey and cool_

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: No. Him. _points next to him_

_CPTN JACK SPARROW: sorrowfully_ Oh.

ANITA: What, The Guy With The Cheese? looks dubiously at ANITA BLAKE

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: No! What does his name tag say? Oh yeah, 'The Drunken Irish Tosser.'

_COLIN FARRELL: offended_ Thanks a lot, Short Bossy Freak.

_ALL laugh_

_ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: amused_ HA! I like him already. And he's hunky.

_ANITA: nods_ Indeed.

_JEAN-CLAUDE: pointedly_ Ma petite?

ANITA BLAKE VAMPIRE EXECUTIONER: Oh yeah. It's ok Jean Claude, I'll share.

_COLIN FARRELL: looks very alarmed_

ANITA: What? Is everyone here gay?

JULIAN, COLIN FARRELL, ELENA and JENNY: No.

_Everyone else looks very interested in the creepy wallpaper_

ANITA: Ah.

LAURELL K.: When I get out of here you are so sued!

JULIAN: I have an idea! _points at LAURELL K and says something under his breath. LAURELL K keels over, fast asleep. Two Troblins pull LAURELL K out of the cage and at JULIAN'S direction, take her out of the room and upstairs into the closet from JENNY'S GRANDFATHER'S basement._

ANITA: Nicely done, Julian! _gives JULIAN a pom –pom_

_ALL: entranced by the shiny pom-pom_ OOOOOOOOO!

ANITA: Right. We'll get her out later. Or I might just forget. _smirks evilly_

L.J.SMITH: Nice twist.

ANITA: Thanks. _beams _

_A groan is heard from the last of the prone figures on the floor. ALL stare._

MYSTERY GUEST #3: Whe...Who the heck are you people?

ANITA: _sighing _We are the spoofers. We want to have freedom to live our lives without being bothered by possessive authors and disclaimer rights! _dramatic sigh_

MYSTERY GUEST #3: Oh. I thought you were just a gang on PCP.

ANITA: Oh. _frowns _That sounds like something the Sunnydale High principal would say to the cops about a vampire attack _scoffs_

_ALL WHO GET THE REFERENCE nod_

MYSTERY GUEST #3: HA! Don't tell me you're the fans of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel.

ANITA: Yeah we have some strange people here who follow the shows religiously.

MYSTERY GUEST #3: Well... do you know who I am?

_ALL peer at the guy _Ummm...no, sorry

MYSTERY GUEST #3: Pah. And you call yourselves FANS! I am... JOSS WHEDON!

ANITA: What a surprise! And you aren't just the third in a series of random character owners coming to whup my ass for steal...borrowing your characters. For one LITTLE spoof!

SPIKE: How obvious that plot 'twist' was. It's about as twisted as a runover spoon.

ANITA:...Yeah..._looks bemused _Whatever.

JOSS WHEDON: Actually, that's not why I'm here at all.

* * *

Ok that's all for now folks, review please and I'll update soon! 


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